Our anything journey: Trust

Trust is complex.
Have a come to Jesus talk about trust. Go there. It's kinda scary for some people.
After we lost our baby girl in 2007 I wrestled with The Lord for many many months about trusting Him. Be honest we all have trust issues. You don't have to go public but be honest with Him. He is trustworthy.
As I watch AnnaBelle each day as she is building her "trust bank" says Karen Purvis in Connected Child. I see she is processing and soaking up so much. I look at AnnaBelle and Joy both, God has entrusted us something BIG with both our girls. He has entrusted us with them. We always think about trusting Him but he trust us, you know? Everyone has a story of trust. When their trust was challenged and they questioned God. Whats yours?
I know for two years AnnaBelle needed more than she received in the orphanage. As her momma, I couldn't protect her from that. She didn't have anyone to really trust. There is existing emotional pain and scars from that period of time in which her needs weren't met. Noone came many nights. Oh friend, that thought is more than I can bear! I pray each day the Lord heals the memories and restores every part of her. That His word is true, Psalms says "he never sleeps or slumbers". Which means he has not forgotten nor has he turned an ear to our needs. He will heal her emotions, her pain and her memories. What that end equation looks like? I don't know but that's what trust is. It's what our faith is. Trusting what we cannot see is faith.
Milton and I prayed every single night for AnnaBelle while she waited on us. Asking the Lord to send someone to her that would give her extra care and love. I was hashing out "trust" with The Lord this morning. And here is what he showed me, at AnnaBelles orphanage there was a foundation that came in and loved on the kids. Half the Sky foundation, which I need to find a link and says thanks to. They did a scrapbook with pictures with writing in Mandarin about her and they came once a week and played with her and documented about it. Now this is not a fancy scrapbook, not in a 12x12 acid free album! But its valuable. Its stapled at the spine, simple and Im eternally grateful. Now I don't know much because we can't read Mandarin BUT Milton was stranded overnight in Denver coming home from China. There was a huge snowstorm and he couldn't get home. He met a man stranded in the airport who was from China, he spoke Mandarin. He translated verbally for Milton. And Im hashing out trust? Not trusting God. Well yea kinda. It's hard when we start trying to figure out why life is the way it is when we trust and serve the Lord. Why he doesn't protect children? Why do things happen to kids that never should? Why aren't kids loved and held like they should be? Life is complex. Trust is too. Go there, it's okay. In those places God will show you. He was there.
There was someone to love on AnnaBelle extra each week. We prayed for that person. I wander what her name was? She needed more than what she received still. But someone did come, maybe not in my form or fashion. There were 100 kids on her floor, someone coming to spend time with her once a week meant something. Oh how I wish I could turn back time and remove the deficits of those two years. But I cannot...Then we finally came. Her momma and daddy!! Tonight making her bottle while she played busily on the kitchen counter by me (was Joys favorite thing to do at the same age) she was saying "dada" bouncing up and down. Sweet. I can see she is trusting us more. I wanted to play catch today with AnnaBelle so we found a fun light up ball that she loved. At first she wouldn't throw it back for fear it wasn't returning to her. Aka trust. The more we played, the more she smiles, the more fun throwing and catching was! I listened to her play in her room with Milton, alone today. Sweet to hear. I think he was distracting her from the kitchen because if she sees the oven light on or something steaming on the stove, it's mealtime. When in reality it's not mealtime at THAT very moment!
I feel incompetent in so many areas. I was thinking how a month ago, we were preparing to leave for China. Paying bills, packing, buying over the counter meds, snacks, getting Joy packed....and I was hashing out trust again with the Lord. Trusting Him enough to leave Joy and fly 8,000 miles away at 600mph over the Pacific Ocean for a LONG time. (did I mention Im not adventurous really) And trusting Him to take care of us and this sweet AnnaBelle we were going a million miles to get. "Are we crazy?" my brain would say.."have you lost your mind?" and in my heart I heard the Lord remind me, "I am going with you to China, Keri". Duh- was I thinking I was leaving the Lord home in Texas? He is so sweet to remind us gently and simply of his presence and abilities. I was never anxious or afraid going to or in China. And when we landed in Beijing China, it was like I had a come to Jesus talk and it went like this- "Keri put on your big girl panties. The Lord has called you to this journey and this child. He has a plan. He has written your story a long time ago..he knows every part of this." In my heart, I heard a friends words, "Keep your eyes on Jesus"...and in the days of transition and crying and watching AnnaBelles emotions and her pain I remembered those words. It really encouraged me and kept me going. I was confident of our decision and reason for being there. She was worth everything.
It appears to me that if I could ever sit down and read for any length of time I'd be able to navigate through this muddy water of learning about trust and attachment and what it all means from her perspective. But instead Im cleaning up after the cat who overate her cat food (seriously), then making breakfast, cleaning up the eggs AnnaBelle has cleared off her tray, refilling the Dixie cups with dry cereal shortly after breakfast, getting the girls dressed for the day, cleaning up the snacks, changing diapers and helping Joy play at a higher location to prevent disruption, refereeing the tiff over the strollers, hugging and tickling and clapping as AnnaBelle does something new, encouraging Joy she is the best BIG sister, attempting to wash and dry my own hair and get dressed....and this is just the morning time. Somedays I just brush my teeth and put on a hat. How do people have 5 kids? Super moms I guess. Im not one of them, I dont know how they do it!! Now Im not complaining and I know a new normal is coming and routine but Im saying, Im oridinary. And I am relying on my trusty companion the Holy Spirit as we navigate this unknown land of trust and attachment with a toddler adoption. I see it happening before my eyes each day. I love it! I have also seen the challenges for her learning we are trustworthy. We are constant and not leaving. I tell her alot "momma is here" when she wants to be held 95% of the day. And for two years noone toted her around on their hip! But there is more to know about the logic and the "why"... I love to read and someday I will read again. And maybe take a bath with the door closed?
Thankful to see trust building each day with our sweet girl. Last night she played in her crib for an hour. She took care of her babydoll loaned out by big Sis Joy. Very sweet to watch. A BIG trust moment as the only time she has been in her crib has been with total distress and unable to regroup. Her idea to get in. And today- she fell asleep without tears INSIDE her crib with baby. If I wouldnt wake her- Id take her picture I was so excited! She is laughing and smiling and babbling things we do not understand. Today she said "hey" and "hi" and "hello" often. She tried to say "noodle" yesterday which is what she may turn into. She loves pasta. And tonight we tried green peas. I just thought they were going down. They were only going in and then all came out!! :/ It was worth a try. For now green beans are the only vegetable she will eat.
A few pictures from the trip and our return home...

our wonderful CCAI travel group! (except Milton)

We made lifetime friends from all over the US. Lovely people we were with. 8 families and 10 kids from our direct group were adopted into forever families. Absolutely valuable. Precious kids.

Beijing and the smog