Blankies are soft.

AnnaBelle is learning so many things.
She likes cauliflower steamed of course. But don't trick her and put carrots in the bowl too.
She likes chicken strips but not all chicken nuggets.
She likes to climb the play set ladder. And is strong enough to now!!
And can now climb on the coffee table!
She drinks water from her bottle like crazy.
She likes cupcakes but mostly the icing.
She loves to dig in the sand.
Today she was patting her wet diaper (very wet) before sliding down the slide "di di". And was ready to have it changed.
Soap bubbles in the tub..can be scary. Enough to make her get out. :)
She likes to ride in the grocery cart with all the food. But does not want Joy touching her with a foot or shoe. She wants total personal space. Same in the bathtub and sandbox..This is crucial. Screaming will notify you if this is not taken seriously. Joy has been patient and kind with this, rule. :)
She likes corn on the cob and can say "corn".
She loves bathtime.  She splashes more than Milton can handle. He is sure the bathroom tile is going to come loose and the grout will never come clean and the toilet could float away.  But she loves it. I love watching her face when she splashes. Tonight she dumped her water on her head drenching her hair and face. Then doing it to Joy. Joy just laughed and played along..then mom stopped the fun.
Today she pet the cranky old cat, Katycat. BIGGIE. She has been mortified of the cat. PS today is Saturday, AnnaBelle pet Katy then attempted to close the front door. With that old sassy cat in it. Results: growling and hissing. :) oops.
And the biggest one of all..learning that it feels good to snuggle with her soft blankie. It's soft. It feels good on her face. Today for the first time she rubbed her tired eyes with that soft blankie. So sweet. It only took 6 weeks to learn and like it, the blankie is soft!  Who would have predicted that? I was
certain she would love the blanket, the baby doll and the stuffed frog Scenty we got her right away. Wrong momma.  Baby steps.

When she goes to sleep at nap time and I can see her face in the sunlight. I can't believe how beautiful she is. And she is here! We have made the trip to China and she is home. She is in our arms!
She is growing and learning and thriving. She blows kisses and says "sissy". She hums and dances with Joy. They chase down the hallway and she smiles. They fuss like siblings do.  I love it. Romans 15:13 says "may the God of hope bring you peace and joy as you trust in Him"  As AnnaBelle snuggled her soft blankie today in her arms, I thought of what peace and comfort is to people. What brings hope to people? Sometime icecream or chocolate is comforting to me! God is our only real hope! We all like to feel hopeful and not hopeless. We pray for the kids waiting for a family at the orphanage. That they will feel hope. There are over 700 in that one orphange location. Unbeliveable. AnnaBelle has waited for the first two years of her life, to be held, soothed, rocked, kissed and to be with a family who adores her. I feel like we are making up for that time. She wants me to hold her all the time. She has waited for a Momma and Dadda, Sissy and a home.  I pray she will know the comfort of this home, our love and family but also the love, peace and hope of our Heavenly Father.


"A happy family is but an earlier heaven" George B Shaw

The crumb, the bottle and two bowls...

This is a loaded title.  AnnaBelle is teaching me so many things about showing her how to trust.  Meal time is a big deal around here.  When she is ready to eat, she is ready! if the oven light is on or food is steaming on the stove-its time. period. AnnaBelle hoarded the last crumb to everything she ate in China. Also hoarding in her mouth at mealtime.  She has moved beyond that. Checking the pantry is still in force but not as often. Now she "reorganizes" the pantry items aka a big mess! Last week I was putting away laundry and kitchen towels. Inside the towel drawer I found her dumped fruit loops. The next day it was plastic forks and an empty vegetable can. I just laughed! The next day it was.....her jacket. :) she stores things in funny places. I like to see food left like in the drawer because it tells me she isn't afraid to be hungry, anymore. The bottle, she hugs her empty bottle at night and falls asleep. Dare not take it! I'm sure she has experienced hunger at nighttime. The two bowls, at mealtime it's messy because she is learning. I put her food in a bowl for that reaon. If there are two bowls she pushes them together and guards them. Even if one is empty. She will hand it to me, then want it back repeatedly. Regardless of her intention to eat the food in it or not. Interesting to observe this part of the journey.  I'm realizing with toddler adoption..you can't be rigid. Flexibility is key. I cannot insist she sleep in her crib knowing she spent 16-18hrs a day in it, in the orphanage. I can't insist she give me the empty bottle or share easily, I can't understand what is so scary about a stuffed animal or our house cat? If I could have seen her life in the orphanage of two years, it would help me understand but I can't. So, we are flexible and learn as we go. The crib is being sold, she has moved into the twin bed and sleeps well. I have moved out of the bed but still in her room. Imagine a twin bed, air mattress twin on the floor and a baby crib in on same room! Plus toys, a dresser and baby stroller.  Momma has to get that crib sold and out. She snacks throughout the day and she longs to be held, so I hold her.
AnnaBelles new likes: sliced apples, mashed potatoes, meatloaf.
Dislikes: wet fruit to touch, raspberries, strawberries, mango, etc. No green peas or vegetables except green beans, sometime.
She is afraid of animals, loud noises, the garage door opening and closing. And public restroom toilets flushing! Noises we are used to. She is not.
New words: please, water, up, sissy, egg, go.
We are seeing great trust being built and sleep patterns improving! Both girls are learning to share space, momma and toys. Somedays are easy some are harder.  Toddler adoption is amazing and so sweet! A child's ability to love, be loved, learn, grow, thrive and experience happiness is wonderful! AnnaBelle already has been such a fantastic blessing to our family, I a m SO thankful she is home!! She is so full of life! Joy says, it's good being a big sister but "pretty messy".

Trust

Trust is complex.
Have a come to Jesus talk about trust. Go there. It's kinda scary for some people.
After we lost our baby girl in 2007 I wrestled with The Lord for many many months about trusting Him. Be honest we all have trust issues. You don't have to go public but be honest with Him. He is trustworthy.
As I watch AnnaBelle each day as she is building her "trust bank" says Karen Purvis in Connected Child. I see she is processing and soaking up so much. I look at AnnaBelle and Joy both, God has entrusted us something BIG with both our girls. He has entrusted us with them. We always think about trusting Him but he trust us, you know? Everyone has a story of trust. When their trust was challenged and they questioned God. Whats yours?
I know for two years AnnaBelle needed more than she received in the orphanage. As her momma, I couldn't protect her from that. She didn't have anyone to really trust. There is existing emotional pain and scars from that period of time in which her needs weren't met. Noone came many nights. Oh friend, that thought is more than I can bear! I pray each day the Lord heals the memories and restores every part of her. That His word is true, Psalms says "he never sleeps or slumbers". Which means he has not forgotten nor has he turned an ear to our needs. He will heal her emotions, her pain and her memories. What that end equation looks like? I don't know but that's what trust is. It's what our faith is. Trusting what we cannot see is faith.
Milton and I prayed every single night for AnnaBelle while she waited on us. Asking the Lord to send someone to her that would give her extra care and love. I was hashing out "trust" with The Lord this morning. And here is what he showed me, at AnnaBelles orphanage there was a foundation that came in and loved on the kids. Half the Sky foundation, which I need to find a link and says thanks to. They did a scrapbook with pictures with writing in Mandarin about her and they came once a week and played with her and documented about it. Now this is not a fancy scrapbook, not in a 12x12 acid free album! But its valuable. Its stapled at the spine, simple and Im eternally grateful. Now I don't know much because we can't read Mandarin BUT Milton was stranded overnight in Denver coming home from China. There was a huge snowstorm and he couldn't get home. He met a man stranded in the airport who was from China, he spoke Mandarin. He translated verbally for Milton. And Im hashing out trust? Not trusting God. Well yea kinda. It's hard when we start trying to figure out why life is the way it is when we trust and serve the Lord. Why he doesn't protect children? Why do things happen to kids that never should? Why aren't kids loved and held like they should be? Life is complex. Trust is too. Go there, it's okay. In those places God will show you. He was there.
There was someone to love on AnnaBelle extra each week. We prayed for that person. I wander what her name was?  She needed more than what she received still. But someone did come, maybe not in my form or fashion. There were 100 kids on her floor, someone coming to spend time with her once a week meant something. Oh how I wish I could turn back time and remove the deficits of those two years. But I cannot...Then we finally came. Her momma and daddy!! Tonight making her bottle while she played busily on the kitchen counter by me (was Joys favorite thing to do at the same age) she was saying "dada" bouncing up and down. Sweet. I can see she is trusting us more.  I wanted to play catch today with AnnaBelle so we found a fun light up ball that she loved. At first she wouldn't throw it back for fear it wasn't returning to her. Aka trust. The more we played, the more she smiles, the more fun throwing and catching was! I listened to her play in her room with Milton, alone today. Sweet to hear.  I think he was distracting her from the kitchen because if she sees the oven light on or something steaming on the stove, it's mealtime. When in reality it's not mealtime at THAT very moment!
I feel incompetent in so many areas. I was thinking how a month ago, we were preparing to leave for China. Paying bills, packing, buying over the counter meds, snacks, getting Joy packed....and I was hashing out trust again with the Lord. Trusting Him enough to leave Joy and fly 8,000 miles away at 600mph over the Pacific Ocean for a LONG time. (did I mention Im not adventurous really) And trusting Him to take care of us and this sweet AnnaBelle we were going a million miles to get. "Are we crazy?" my brain would say.."have you lost your mind?" and in my heart I heard the Lord remind me, "I am going with you to China, Keri". Duh- was I thinking I was leaving the Lord home in Texas?  He is so sweet to remind us gently and simply of his presence and abilities. I was never anxious or afraid going to or in China. And when we landed in Beijing China, it was like I had a come to Jesus talk and it went like this- "Keri put on your big girl panties. The Lord has called you to this journey and this child. He has a plan. He has written your story a long time ago..he knows every part of this."  In my heart, I heard a friends words, "Keep your eyes on Jesus"...and in the days of transition and crying and watching AnnaBelles emotions and her pain I remembered those words. It really encouraged me and kept me going. I was confident of our decision and reason for being there. She was worth everything.
It appears to me that if I could ever sit down and read for any length of time I'd be able to navigate through this muddy water of learning about trust and attachment and what it all means from her perspective. But instead Im cleaning up after the cat who overate her cat food (seriously), then making breakfast, cleaning up the eggs AnnaBelle has cleared off her tray, refilling the Dixie cups with dry cereal shortly after breakfast, getting the girls dressed for the day, cleaning up the snacks, changing diapers and helping Joy play at a higher location to prevent disruption,  refereeing the tiff over the strollers, hugging and tickling and clapping as AnnaBelle does something new, encouraging Joy she is the best BIG sister, attempting to wash and dry my own hair and get dressed....and this is just the morning time. Somedays I just brush my teeth and put on a hat. How do people have 5 kids? Super moms I guess. Im not one of them, I dont know how they do it!! Now Im not complaining and I know a new normal is coming and routine but Im saying, Im oridinary. And I am relying on my trusty companion the Holy Spirit as we navigate this unknown land of trust and attachment with a toddler adoption. I see it happening before my eyes each day. I love it! I have also seen the challenges for her learning we are trustworthy. We are constant and not leaving. I tell her alot "momma is here" when she wants to be held 95% of the day. And for two years noone toted her around on their hip! But there is more to know about the logic and the "why"... I love to read and someday I will read again. And maybe take a bath with the door closed?
Thankful to see trust building each day with our sweet girl. Last night she played in her crib for an hour. She took care of her babydoll loaned out by big Sis Joy. Very sweet to watch. A BIG trust moment as the only time she has been in her crib has been with total distress and unable to regroup. Her idea to get in. And today- she fell asleep without tears INSIDE her crib with baby. If I wouldnt wake her- Id take her picture I was so excited! She is laughing and smiling and babbling things we do not understand. Today she said "hey" and "hi" and "hello" often. She tried to say "noodle" yesterday which is what she may turn into. She loves pasta. And tonight we tried green peas. I just thought they were going down. They were only going in and then all came out!! :/ It was worth a try. For now green beans are the only vegetable she will eat.
A few pictures from the trip and our return home...

our wonderful CCAI travel group! (except Milton) 

We made lifetime friends from all over the US. Lovely people we were with. 8 families and 10 kids from our direct group were adopted into forever families. Absolutely valuable. Precious kids.

Beijing and the smog

First Easter!

AnnaBelle playing "baby"

in bed feeding her "baby"

Both my girls!

Joy, the big one & AnnaBelle the little one

sweet smile

My Joy girl.

first family photo on returning home.

AnnaBelle was asleep in ergo. Felt so good to hug Milton.

Pray about it.

Saturday entry...This is the outside of the orphanage that houses 600 children in China. It was once "home" to a beautiful dark eyed two year old girl, my daughter now of 17 days. She was my daughter even before she was born really. God knew despite the distance and circumstances between us, that he would bring us together. She would be our daughter. Our eyes are not the same, although Im envious of her beautiful eyes. Her laughter is precious. Her personality is sweet and playful and gentle. I am so glad to be her "momma".

 

Our travel group received two daughters from this orphanage on March 18th. 600 minus 2. That's easy math. Pray about adopting from China. There are so many beautiful children waiting! They are loveable and deserving. Did you know, 1 million baby girls each year are abandoned each year in China? Due to the one child policy, poverty, you cannot be a single parent because you are without a child permit allowing you to have a child or because of a existing special need or medical need the child has. 1 million. People say, "they make it so hard to adopt". I say, "do the work the child is worth it". Yes the process is long. Talking about it does not rescue the child. Do something! The people we met, our guides, the sweet kids. Each part of our trip was memorable and God orchestrated every part of our trip.

How can so many children live in one place and be orphaned? How come a family has not come? How long will they wait? The Word says, I will not leave you as orphans but I will come to you. God intends for each child to have a family. Not one should be lonely.  The kids are waiting for someone to come rescue them. If noone comes, nothing changes for them! Which is so sad. Many will never be adopted and never have a home or family. When we were in China, one morning at 4am (China time) we facetimed my mom and I remember being so tired that morning and crying telling her about AnnaBelle. I said with my own mouth, "what if we had not come mom" with a pain in my heart and tears in my eyes. With all sincerity. Just pray about adoption. Pray about it and ask the Lord if its part of His plan for your life and a orphaned child. He will work out every detail if its what he has called you to adopt internationally. Pray pause ponder.

When I look at this picture and think she lived there for two years, I am grieved. It makes me want to crawl into bed and cry!! Really and truly. AnnaBelle was on the first floor with 100 other children.  And very few caretakers. She cried many nights that no one came and wanted to be held. I know this

because she climbs on me and snuggles into my chest like an infant loves to be held. There she finds comfort and goes to sleep each night.  Her crib brings so much distress, I don't know if its because she spent so many days in one or because its a trigger for a grieved and missing crib mate or a reminder of the orphanage or because of the time spent in the crib each day. I do not know what the source is but each night I pray God will heal the memories and restore her emotional health. We are still co sleeping and Im waiting on her to show signs of trust and peace before attempting the crib again. I am certain she was hungry based on the hoarding of food we saw in the first two weeks. And based on the fact she opens the pantry door and points to the food atleast 5-6x a day. She eats all the time.  She eats more than Joy, four years old.  I know this, she is so happy! She is trusting us and is ease at home. She is always playing, dancing, smiling, laughing or teasing. Always. She loves music. She loves to make a mess in the kitchen. Joy said today she was "too messy".

Tuesday 4-9-13

The girls played baby dolls today. This is not a new thing for Joy but AnnaBelle on the other hand has wanted nothing to do with stuffed animals or baby dolls. She is afraid of them all.  Today she went and got Joys favorite baby doll, of course and was holding it. It wasnt long she had the bottle and was feeding it. Then we wrapped it up in a blanket so she could push it in the stroller. She was saying "baby baby" and "night night". Very sweet to see her caring for the baby and enjoying playing. Each day AnnaBelle shows us something new about herself. On friday it was that she could clap. One day she called herself "mei mei" which is Little Sister in Mandarin and I call her that often.  Joy is showing herself to be the big sister and is sharing her space and toys easier each day. She is apalled at AnnaBelles messes most days. Today during lunchtime, as usual AnnaBelle cleared her highchair tray of everything she doesnt want for THAT moment. It was her remaining boiled egg which splattered the baseboard once again and went everywhere. Boiled egg became mobile. My baseboards have either 1. never been wiped clean so many times in a day in the dining room OR 2. never been so dirty during mealtime.  Its a toss up, either way mealtime around here is messy and loud. AnnaBelle eats and jabbers and makes the biggest mess you have seen and Joy works very hard to eat the minimal food on her plate. Its the battle of the day- mealtime.

Either way I am so thankful for AnnaBelles arrival home and Joy being the Big Sister! There is a never a dull moment and my house is always a disaster! AnnaBelle is fast and knows how to clean out my kitchen cabinets.  She is always lining something up and looking in the pantry for another snack.

Its quiet and both girls are asleep. I am going to dig in my secret chocolate stash!!

Wednesday

Today is the first day I remained awake during the girls nap time. It's a challenge because I lie down with AnnaBelle. And most of the time Im so tired I go to sleep. Today, I needed some mommy time alone and wanted to eat icecream alone. It's life's simple pleasures.
Yesterday we did our first post adoption home study. It was crazy. Glad it's done.
The girls are so busy! AnnaBelle jabbers and make messes as she toddles around. I like to just watch her. Today she mimicked Joy dancing. It was so cute! Joy hugged her while they rode the backyard slide down. AnnaBelle was all smiles! It might have been her first sliding experience. She is feeding herself with a spoon. She took a bath alone last night and loved splashing! She says "bye bye", "meow", "momma", "baba(daddy)", "jei jei(big sister)" and has learned to growl. She is happiest when she is eating! No kidding.  She loves to be outside. She pushes Joys baby stroller everyday. She likes her room and toys. She is playful and so happy! It's amazing to see what love can do in two weeks to a sweet child.  She is beautiful and tiny. Joy is grown up, smart, creative and independent. I'm so thankful to be home!

Happy Home

Feels so good to be home!
AnnaBelle is adjusting and is full of life. We are working through some sleep disturbance and the ability to put herself back to sleep. Jet lag for me continues. But its going to take time. Children really are such a delight from the Lord. It melts my heart to see the girls play together. Joy shared her bath last night with AnnaBelle. I asked her if she enjoyed sharing her bathtime and she said "oh yes". She tickled AnnaBelles toes during the bath and enjoyed making her giggle. There are moments of needing a referee while everyone learns to share toys and space. Joy has been so grownup and AnnaBelle motors around and talks babble we cannot understand. I am so glad to hear her babble and watch her toddle around. She has alot of personality and has moments of showing that she is infact a 2 year old. Yes, temper fits are present.
Yesterday she rode in the carseat for the second time. And fell asleep before Hartley. She didnt cry but looked around and started dreaming. The ride home from the airport in the dark and the first carride was much different and less peaceful.
Natasha, my travel companion of all time went back to Denver on Saturday. I have missed her already. We had such a good time together. She is going to be a great mom and I hope somewhere in her spreadsheet includes a return to China for a baby girl.
Easter was a beautiful day and Joy soaked up dying Easter eggs in the front yard. AnnaBelle loves to eat eggs and kept trying to peel the hard exterior. Joy was a bit distraught over the eggs that were partially peeled and picked at. The girls were so pretty in their Easter dresses! AnnaBelle has such tiny feet and wore these sparkly 9-12mos shoes Aunt B got her at Christmas. Joy on the other hand has large feet and longer legs than a month ago. She grew while I was away for two weeks.
I am so thankful for my two girls and thoughtful husband, Milton. I am thankful to be home again and live in this small town with no rush hour traffic or public transportation. Im thankful for the sunshine that I can see and feel on my face. The Lord has such a sweet plan for our lives, if we can let go and trust Him. He is trustworthy. I didnt think I would survive being away from Joy for two weeks. I cried taking off in Denver and in San Fransisco. But when we held AnnaBelle for the first time 2 weeks ago in the Cival Affairs office in Zhengzhou, I was certain we were right in the bullseye of where the Lord wanted us to be. Holding this small and afraid two year old who cried like an infant, I knew why we had traveled so far. What if we had not come? For days she slept with one eye open making sure we were still present. Making sure I had not laid her down. In addition AnnaBelle was not well, she was sick with more going on than we realized intially. She cried and I cried. I felt guilty that we had no come sooner which was out of our control. A child should always be held. Always have a family. Always feel loved. Always kissed and hugged. Every orphan needs a family and love. Slowly each day she began to come out of her timid shell and trust us a little more for her care and constant love and affection. After a few days she began calling me "Ni ni" meaning Nanny. Then the next day she called me "momma". The greatest words to hear! We learned that her orphanage was one of the largest in that providence. It holds 600 children minus our 1 and another Violet, who was matched with a forever family on our travel group. There are so many children and not enough caretakers. We were told the children from her floor of 100 often shut down for 3-4 days crying alot. It was a reliable report. We chose not to visit but could have as both girls were having a difficult transition. I had planned to visit but on that day- it was obvious AnnaBelle was not up for the return to her orphanage. In 16 years I may regret that decision but it was the best one for that day and her emotional ability to cope. We had a couple adopting in our group that were both Pediatricians. I was so thankful when AnnaBelle was sick that they were willing to come to our room to see her. I had prayed for a Dr on our trip and he gave us 2 wonderful Christian people. Milton and I learned to know and very much enjoyed being with and respecting. Milton and I began praying over AnnaBelle daily for her health and emotional restoration. She was so timid and dependant but withdrawn. Like watching a flower grow and bloom, so has AnnaBelle. I see her motoring around the house making a big mess of the refrigerator magnets and she is a miracle! She has evolved and is fully alive! She is loved, she is our daughter, she is a sister, she is a cousin, she is a granddaughter and she is home!