First

So many "first" for us this year! December was such a fun month! 
November and December happenings..
FIRST... Trip to Denver to see Natasha and visit CCAI (our adoption agency) to meet everyone, first Thanksgiving, first Christmas lights and wrapping gifts, first gingerbread house with Joy & Dad, first time to make ornaments and Christmas crafts and gingerbread cookies, first snow tubing day, first Christmas!  
AnnaBelle loves pumpkin pie and sweet potatoes.
Joy loves pumpkin pie and candy canes.
Christmas has been spread over several days so the unwrapping has been great. AnnaBelle quickly learned the fun and took it all in! She learned to sing a few partial Christmas songs. "O come wet us ador him" which was so sweet. 
Thanks be to God for his wonderful gift, Jesus!!
It has been so fun to have the girls home together. Last year, hanging AnnaBelles stocking and having Christmas without her was so hard. She was a world away. This year, she is home, happy & healthy!
It's hard to believe but we have been home ten months. The time home has passed quickly and AnnaBelles English has improved and expanded at such a rapid rate! Kids are just amazing and she is so smart.  Her sleep has improved and she is growing like crazy! We are nearing the 30# mark from a teensy 19# upon Gotcha day. She has a head full of hair and the same amount of independence. She plays baby dolls and kitchen EVERY day. Joy was laughing in the tub one night at her she was telling Joy they were taking a bath in "Mac n cheese". Such an imagination. Both girls are silly. 
I can remember the years when we longed for the love, mess, noise and fun of children! This Christmas I found myself especially tired and thankful! I told Milton in the middle of the chaos one night, "this is just what we prayed for honey".  
"Bridges take us safely from one shore to another. They carry us over an expanse we could not cover without their help. As we journey through this life, at times we need a bridge over fears, pains, losses and craziness swirling treacherously around us. God does not promise to remove struggles and 
alleviate every roadblock. What he does do is build bridges that will carry us to joy, hope and heaven. The truth is, few of us comprehend the cost and sacrifice God has paid to build the bridges for us to cross." Ann Voskamp 1000 gifts. I am especially thankful this season for the bridges God has built in  my life helping me cross over to a place of peace, healing and joy for the now times! 
My siblings were all home for the holiday which was great. The cousins had fun together! My girls are tired out from all the fun.
Merry Christmas!

Home

                                                                    Joy 2012 Fall                                                                                                                                           Fall 2011

Beginning the adoption journey to AnnaBelle in July 2011. Little did we know AnnaBelle was born Feb 2, 2011.

AnnaBelles room and closet. Getting ready! October 2012; longing to bring her home. Many prayers in this room for this child.

Referral picture October 2012

September 2013 AnnaBelles beautiful smile!

Home is where they love you! I enjoyed the time Joy and I had together just us so much. She has been a joy to watch learn, grow, love nature and is loving! We began our adoption journey to AnnaBelle in July 2011.
TODAY is the one year mark that we first saw AnnaBelles face after recieving her file through our agency. It was easy to love and want her from the first time we saw her picture and read her story!
October 22nd, 2012 we got AnnaBelles "referral".  We were so eager to be matched with this little girl we had been waiting on and praying for. "For This Child We Have Prayed For"...
So today, the girls have played outside, made a puppet craft, went on a Fall walk and chosen leaves for a fall project. We have raked leaves, ate pumpkin pie and been to the park to play. AnnaBelle woke up begging to go to the park "park momma" she would say so we gave in and went. AnnaBelles vocabulary is growing everyday, last week she said "nope" which we thought was funny. This week, she has been saying "uh huh" and hauls her "big baby" (that is the size of a 3month old) everywhere!! She has started calling herself "I" and "Abbabell" which are so sweet to hear. She sings silly songs and praise songs! I love to catch her singing to herself. Her sleep has not been perfected yet but we are working through it. She is eating & talking great, loves to climb, slide and swing. Today she asked for m&ms for breakfast. And stuck a vitamin up her nose at breakfast, that somehow with prayer & tears came out on its own! She loves Joy, everyday she says "like sissy". Joy told me today she was glad AnnaBelle was here because she has a playmate. For years I asked the Lord for two girls..and he has blessed us with them! 
It seems like so long ago that we first saw these pictures of this small framed, thin little girl with sad eyes. I would have given both my arms to have traveled that day to bring her home. But adoption doesnt work that way. It was a long wait from October to March 15th when we traveled. AnnaBelle was worth every mile of the trip, every piece of paperwork required, every prayer, every tear. She was worth everything!

Casting Crowns sings a song called "So Far To Find You", it was written about their adoption story to their daughter Hope they adopted from China also. It has stolen my heart.
"Will you let me hold you in my arms tonight/ I have come so far to find you/ Will you take my love and give up the fight/ I have come so far to find you"

Home is where they love you Joy and AnnaBelle!
 

July-August

We have had sweet AnnaBelle for four months now! Where has the time gone? I could say so much..
Sometime I watch the girls play and cannot believe she is home. She is here!
I can remember when Milton and I longed for a family and spent so many years on our infertility journey. Years. Years. It was such a hard longing to be want to be a mom and it was out of reach. Out of my control. It's a natural instinct to want to be a mom, I believe. And we couldn't make it happen. People have too much advice sometime and no one could change it. He had a plan. And God decided to grow our family a different way after our baby girl was stillborn in my second trimester. Such a painful time. He has since used our story of loss to glorify Him. God is good. He is kind. He never leaves us.  Life is hard. Sometime our five year plan doesn't work out! Sometime our ten year plan doesn't work out! God always has a plan. He has a good one. He wrote our life story before the foundations of the earth. Ephesians 2. He has proven himself gracious and constant in my life, regardless of my performance or reaction.
Having a family seemed impossible. Then Joy was born in our hearts and into our arms through adoption in 09. In 2011 we began the international adoption process for Sister. AnnaBelle aka Sister came home in March of this year. It seemed impossible that she would ever be in our arms. But she is! She is lovely. She is lively. She is silly and sassy. She is bossy and affectionate. Sometime life does seem impossible. What we are waiting for seems impossible. Hold onto Jesus..wait with Him as he makes a way through the muck and mess.  I was thinking about AnnaBelle the other night laying with her. She takes a long time to go to sleep. There are insecurities we are working through relative to sleep. But I was thinking since March 18th she has went to sleep with her mommy beside her.  So for 130 nights she has felt the comfort of a full belly, love and affection, a full milk bottle to herself, soft blankies..her very own baby doll and heard many prayers and songs. I feel like we are making a way through the wilderness and making gains! She has started saying "Mei Mei's room" and taking ownership of her room, bed and toys. From previous living conditions of having nothing that belonged to her, what a precious sound and concept! She adores Joy. She smiles SO big when Joy holds her. She calls hold me.."ba bo". She tells Joy "ba bo- ba bo" and Joy pleased picks her up and hauls her around for as LONG as she can! AnnaBelle is weighing a hearty 25# from all the watermelon, fish, chicken, pasta, French fries, Popsicles, Gatorade, bananas, bread, green beans she is eating. And chips & cauliflower. She is serious about eating and upon crawling into her booster she says "no help me do it" she is ready to eat!! She is more secure than ever before. Pictures from our July-August summer months...

Testing the water out! Dont we all in some way?

Love kids feet!

After being in love with the neigbor girls car..

Her new car came by way of Dad, this Dad loves his girls. Used but new to her. New without stickers. :) NWOS. She loves it. "Fix it" she says holding Joys toolbox of toy tools. She fixes it and washes it, pushes it and it is "Mei Mei's car".  She is unable to share that car. Its just not possible. Sorry folks. Maybe someday.

3 months post China

Where has the time gone?
We came home on March 29th Good Friday, it was a good friday!
AnnaBelle came home with many fears and so many changes in just a few short weeks. I wish I could see inside her little brain to see what she was thinking. New smells, new rooms, new food, new sounds, a family...the orphanage walls look so cold and stale. The beds are lined up and there are more than we can count in the pictures. (We can see 26) and we know there are two kids to a crib. You can do the mathematics without a calculator. All children, waiting for a family.
When we drive in the driveway now, AnnaBelle says from the backseat "home". Its the most precious sound ever to hear her say. For many reasons you can think about. Precious that she calls this home and knows it is!
She has conquered many fears and has traveled many miles and many insecurities. We are still working through a few things but they are no big deal in comparison to where we have been. God is so good and he is bringing healing to her heart each day through love, nutrition, care, prayer and this family.
She is nolonger afraid of:
the toilet flushing but loves to flush it.
the green grass outside now she likes to lay in it.
the cat and now chases Katycat until she is grumpy and hisses.
the car starting but is ready to "go".
the public bathrooms and the loud sounds.
stuffed animals and has a few chosen ones she loves.
our dog that she was so afraid of now she feeds him her snacks.
the garage door opening now she says "up" to it.
loud cars and noises outside. She identifies the train and says "choo choo".
the dumpster truck dumping the trash.
the church nursery. She points to go in and likes to watch the kids. She isnt willing to stay and play but its progress to see her not afraid of the "play room".

Oh dear friends, this child is learning and thriving! We are hearing many phrases from her the last two weeks.
"wait a minute"
"be right back"
"its okay" with a pat
"I want some milk"
"have some"
"come come sissy"
"bathtime baby"
"Lub (love) you sissy"
"hab a good day"
"see ya nexttime"
remember this is Chinglish and we understand it but others dont always.
I can see changes in her language and her play skills and confidence each week. We went to a baseball game the other night with family and she walked around to each table and greeted people with "hi". It was so good to see her confidence instead of fear of strangers. She had such stranger anxiety that I have never witnessed such fear of people when she came to us. AnnaBelle has a beautiful spirit within her and it is flourishing!

Summertime, sunshine and suntans...

Summertime has been full of outside time! AnnaBelle loves to play in the sandbox and swing. She enjoys going down the slide with "sissy" Joy. She likes to count 1-2-3 "yeay" clapping her hands. She hums twinkle twinkle and likes to hollar and be loud! Joy has had fun with her new playmate and friend. AnnaBelle has started giving selective kisses away. She kisses her "baby" and Joy and myself. She really loves her baby doll. Joy starts playing soccer in a few days and we are looking forward to watching her play and have fun! AnnaBelle has just started jumping and getting both feet off the ground. This is a biggie because when we got her in March she could not jump. Her muscles are growing stronger from all her playing and climbing, trampoline jumping and her overall coordination has improved. She is eating good and playing hard each day. Her sleep patterns have not been the best but I feel sure its part of the transition.  She takes good naps and is always ready for round 2 of play! AnnaBelle has suprised us with her great tan. She is like a chocolate raisin..she is so tan. Each day her tan gets better!! She says over and over, "mom", "no" and "come come" everyday. I do believe I see leadership skills in her!

the pantry..

Happy June everyone hope your summer is great!

Kegan and Joy 4 yrs old

AnnaBelle loves corn!

How many can fit in a step 2 play house? 5

all the kids

saying bye is hard!!

2 months + 1 week post Gotcha Day!

My intent was to blog on Saturday 1x a month.
Hasnt happened that way.
The days are busy with toys, hugs, kitchen clean up, playing outside...now putting on the girls swimsuits and playing outside in the water. AnnaBelle has found her new love outside, the watering can. She waters everything including herself. She will spend an hour filling up the watering can in the pool from the waters edge and pouring it into the bucket. Repeating over and over. With a drink from the watering can spout and a smile. So cute. While Joy is busy at work, pretending.
Tonight in the Step 2 (plastic) house the girls played and played. AnnaBelle motions me to sit down and has a word for it that I cannot pronounce but I know what it means. Pronuciation lost in translation, sorry. Her Chinglish is improving and her English is expanding. She is an echo. Saying anything. She came up with "yellow" last week one day. She says heavy "heby" and grunts. Tonight the empty shape sorter was so "heby" as she kept giving it to me and watching to see if it was as "heby" as she had made it up to be. I played along! In the Step 2 house she and Joy exchanged snacks on the porch. As she pushed the button the pretend water faucet inside she handed over drinks and food to us both. Of course, snacking on the pretend food herself as she cooked. All smiles and full participation! Very very sweet moments. AnnaBelle hollared and laughed loudly as Joy and I kicked the soccer ball around, practicing Joys kicking skills for her upcoming soccer summer games. I must say she was also digging in the sandbox during this time and she likes to taste the rocks from the sandbox. She willingly spits them out but keeps a little extra sand for teeth grinding. (eeks, as your toes curl under thinking of the sound this makes). It is true, she is always tasting the sand.
It was 2 months ago this weekend that lively, playful, noisy, loving life AnnaBelle came into our lives! She is climbing the ladder outside and now walking up the slide the wrong way (thanks to Big Sister) and hollaring from the top of the slide "ready". The two months has gone by so fast and our adjustment has been good and we are settling in. AnnaBelles sleep patterns have improved over the last week. We have a new routine, new normal around here. It is busier than before. More messy and more fun! AnnaBelle came to us very timid, afraid, silent (except for crying). She did not know we loved her so much. She didnt know what trust was. She did not know that we were trustworthy. She didn't know we would feed her, love her, hug her, kiss her and meet her every need!!  But today- she does! She has started kissing her babies and mothering them. She plays "seaset" (tea set) every morning in her room, she hums songs and makes her needs known. She has 3 more teeth than two months ago, all two year molars. And her eating has finally slowed down. I believe she knows there will be another meal and she will be fed often. She has gained some weight and is growing taller!! Her vocabulary is growing everyday. She is more confident. She fights over toys with Joy. She loves to dance and enjoys music. She loves to watch Joy. She likes her personal space. She says "no no" and shakes her head no when it is not what she wants. She loves to be outside with Milton. She likes hide and seek with Joy in the coat closet. She loves icecream and popsicles. She loves her "wa wa" ride. (wagon) She says "owl" and can hoo hoo like an owl. She calls most animals a "meow meow" and chases our old sassy cat around the house, daily. Which is such a difference from how terrified she was of both pets when we came home! She plays "baby" everyday. It is sweet to watch her nurture and care for her baby. I hope that is a reflection that she feels loved and cared for. Joy adores making her giggle. They together like to dog pile their daddy. AnnaBelle wants to be the top part of the dog pile. Smiling and laughing. My favorite phrase to hear her say is, "come come sissy". She calls Joy to come to her room, to come outside, to come inside, to come to the bathetub. Very sweet words to hear.
Since being home we have completed our first post adoption home study. One of many for the next five years. We have played at the park many times. AnnaBelle has been to the Pediatrician for vaccinations, follow ups, a redone TB test, labs..we have went to church, Hobby Lobby and the store many times. She is shy to strangers and its so funny to me that people we know will ask "can I hold her?" I believe they think she is like any other toddler that would want to be held and engage in play. BUT- she has only been here for 2 months and came from a 800 plus sized orphanage. She is learning to trust and strangers she does not! She has let our family hold her and help her with her request..she is learning, trusting and becoming more playful. She does not want to be held by someone she does not know. And, she is really attached to her momma. She is becoming more independent but it takes time.  We pray everyday that God will heal every part of her heart and emotions. I can see him doing this as we love, pray, hug, hold and play everyday!
AnnaBelle is precious and I am so thankful she is home! Joy is a good big sister and she does not like it when she is crying. Last week, I had messed with AnnaBelles little sore around her eye checking it out and she started to cry. Joy said, "whats wrong with her mom- you know the rule is not to make AnnaBelle cry!"

Consulate oath taken in GZ. Awaiting VISA. She will be a citizen when we land on American soil

on March 29th in Texas. In the oath, you swear on your life your documents are true and you will parent and take care of this child forever. It was so standard and unemotional and yet was the moment we had waited for, for so long! Your entire travel plans are planned around this appt and this day. What relief to make it back down to the first floor..finished and waiting on the bus to return us to the hotel to wait for our childs paperwork to officially go home!

Gotcha Day! March 18th Monday around noon in ZG. It was an emotional day for AnnaBelle and for us. This is the bus ride back to our hotel leaving Civial Affairs offc. People ask me about this day and its such a loaded question. It was a hard day. We had waited for so long to hold her. It was not what I expected. I had read so many books and so we were prepared for what our transition with AnnaBelle "could" look like. Im convinced that no amount of reading or prayer can prepare your heart for seeing your child grieve. It feels like nothing else in the world. Literally we started and ended the day by praying over AnnaBelle. We prayed alot during those transition days.  (I think we prayed all night the first week)  I really did trust that God knew what he was doing when he planned on us going to China. We knew it would pass and we knew that we would make progress but had no idea what speed or when. Our travel group was great and each one experienced something similar and we just did it together. Supporting one another. Gotcha Day was in a impersonal room at the Civial Affairs office, with many other people. It was amazing to see children united with families who loved them and had never met until that moment! Children with their family, no longer an orphan. They were a son or daughter to a family!  AnnaBelle today is not the same child as she was that day. She is so full of life! (Really this photo does not look like her anymore. Its amazing. She has been transformed.) AnnaBelle showed us early on her "cold shoulder" look and posture. We were told she had stranger anxiety and she did. She is still shy to strangers. We giggle because we don't see it very often with us but with strangers still. For many reasons researched we have committed to being at home, slow paced and without many changes in who is with the girls for a while. No trips planned anytime soon.

I am not an adventurous person. I am not a big traveler. Its not a secret. 2/3 of my siblings really are adventurous and would be more expected to travel to China than myself! Not because I dont like traveling but it hasnt been a priority since Milton and I have been married. For many reasons I wont post in this blog. So traveling to China to adopt was a big stretch for us and for our family to wrap around.  I totally depended on Gods plan as we packed and planned to leave. I was confident in our mission to bring Mei Mei home. As I watch AnnaBelle and think of how many more children are "waiting" in the same orphanage she was waiting in. Its hard. Its a burden you bear permanently I believe.  I dont know if we will ever return to China to adopt again? But I am so glad we did! God is so good. He is so tender for the orphans. He wants to see them in families. Human touch and love is powerful.  It was 8,000 miles over the Pacific Ocean..one way but AnnaBelle was worth it!  She is just beautiful inside and out. Joy is a great Big Sister. She is quick to defend that AnnaBelle is her sister "all the way from China".

playing chalks in her tutu

Just girls!

playing in the castle. cute legs..

Popsicle time.(first one for AB)

Mothers Day with my Mom (Nanny).

How thankful I am for these two girls the Lord has blessed us with! 1 Peter 2:4 "Chosen by God and Precious"!

Blankies are soft.

AnnaBelle is learning so many things.
She likes cauliflower steamed of course. But don't trick her and put carrots in the bowl too.
She likes chicken strips but not all chicken nuggets.
She likes to climb the play set ladder. And is strong enough to now!!
And can now climb on the coffee table!
She drinks water from her bottle like crazy.
She likes cupcakes but mostly the icing.
She loves to dig in the sand.
Today she was patting her wet diaper (very wet) before sliding down the slide "di di". And was ready to have it changed.
Soap bubbles in the tub..can be scary. Enough to make her get out. :)
She likes to ride in the grocery cart with all the food. But does not want Joy touching her with a foot or shoe. She wants total personal space. Same in the bathtub and sandbox..This is crucial. Screaming will notify you if this is not taken seriously. Joy has been patient and kind with this, rule. :)
She likes corn on the cob and can say "corn".
She loves bathtime.  She splashes more than Milton can handle. He is sure the bathroom tile is going to come loose and the grout will never come clean and the toilet could float away.  But she loves it. I love watching her face when she splashes. Tonight she dumped her water on her head drenching her hair and face. Then doing it to Joy. Joy just laughed and played along..then mom stopped the fun.
Today she pet the cranky old cat, Katycat. BIGGIE. She has been mortified of the cat. PS today is Saturday, AnnaBelle pet Katy then attempted to close the front door. With that old sassy cat in it. Results: growling and hissing. :) oops.
And the biggest one of all..learning that it feels good to snuggle with her soft blankie. It's soft. It feels good on her face. Today for the first time she rubbed her tired eyes with that soft blankie. So sweet. It only took 6 weeks to learn and like it, the blankie is soft!  Who would have predicted that? I was
certain she would love the blanket, the baby doll and the stuffed frog Scenty we got her right away. Wrong momma.  Baby steps.

When she goes to sleep at nap time and I can see her face in the sunlight. I can't believe how beautiful she is. And she is here! We have made the trip to China and she is home. She is in our arms!
She is growing and learning and thriving. She blows kisses and says "sissy". She hums and dances with Joy. They chase down the hallway and she smiles. They fuss like siblings do.  I love it. Romans 15:13 says "may the God of hope bring you peace and joy as you trust in Him"  As AnnaBelle snuggled her soft blankie today in her arms, I thought of what peace and comfort is to people. What brings hope to people? Sometime icecream or chocolate is comforting to me! God is our only real hope! We all like to feel hopeful and not hopeless. We pray for the kids waiting for a family at the orphanage. That they will feel hope. There are over 700 in that one orphange location. Unbeliveable. AnnaBelle has waited for the first two years of her life, to be held, soothed, rocked, kissed and to be with a family who adores her. I feel like we are making up for that time. She wants me to hold her all the time. She has waited for a Momma and Dadda, Sissy and a home.  I pray she will know the comfort of this home, our love and family but also the love, peace and hope of our Heavenly Father.


"A happy family is but an earlier heaven" George B Shaw

The crumb, the bottle and two bowls...

This is a loaded title.  AnnaBelle is teaching me so many things about showing her how to trust.  Meal time is a big deal around here.  When she is ready to eat, she is ready! if the oven light is on or food is steaming on the stove-its time. period. AnnaBelle hoarded the last crumb to everything she ate in China. Also hoarding in her mouth at mealtime.  She has moved beyond that. Checking the pantry is still in force but not as often. Now she "reorganizes" the pantry items aka a big mess! Last week I was putting away laundry and kitchen towels. Inside the towel drawer I found her dumped fruit loops. The next day it was plastic forks and an empty vegetable can. I just laughed! The next day it was.....her jacket. :) she stores things in funny places. I like to see food left like in the drawer because it tells me she isn't afraid to be hungry, anymore. The bottle, she hugs her empty bottle at night and falls asleep. Dare not take it! I'm sure she has experienced hunger at nighttime. The two bowls, at mealtime it's messy because she is learning. I put her food in a bowl for that reaon. If there are two bowls she pushes them together and guards them. Even if one is empty. She will hand it to me, then want it back repeatedly. Regardless of her intention to eat the food in it or not. Interesting to observe this part of the journey.  I'm realizing with toddler adoption..you can't be rigid. Flexibility is key. I cannot insist she sleep in her crib knowing she spent 16-18hrs a day in it, in the orphanage. I can't insist she give me the empty bottle or share easily, I can't understand what is so scary about a stuffed animal or our house cat? If I could have seen her life in the orphanage of two years, it would help me understand but I can't. So, we are flexible and learn as we go. The crib is being sold, she has moved into the twin bed and sleeps well. I have moved out of the bed but still in her room. Imagine a twin bed, air mattress twin on the floor and a baby crib in on same room! Plus toys, a dresser and baby stroller.  Momma has to get that crib sold and out. She snacks throughout the day and she longs to be held, so I hold her.
AnnaBelles new likes: sliced apples, mashed potatoes, meatloaf.
Dislikes: wet fruit to touch, raspberries, strawberries, mango, etc. No green peas or vegetables except green beans, sometime.
She is afraid of animals, loud noises, the garage door opening and closing. And public restroom toilets flushing! Noises we are used to. She is not.
New words: please, water, up, sissy, egg, go.
We are seeing great trust being built and sleep patterns improving! Both girls are learning to share space, momma and toys. Somedays are easy some are harder.  Toddler adoption is amazing and so sweet! A child's ability to love, be loved, learn, grow, thrive and experience happiness is wonderful! AnnaBelle already has been such a fantastic blessing to our family, I a m SO thankful she is home!! She is so full of life! Joy says, it's good being a big sister but "pretty messy".

Trust

Trust is complex.
Have a come to Jesus talk about trust. Go there. It's kinda scary for some people.
After we lost our baby girl in 2007 I wrestled with The Lord for many many months about trusting Him. Be honest we all have trust issues. You don't have to go public but be honest with Him. He is trustworthy.
As I watch AnnaBelle each day as she is building her "trust bank" says Karen Purvis in Connected Child. I see she is processing and soaking up so much. I look at AnnaBelle and Joy both, God has entrusted us something BIG with both our girls. He has entrusted us with them. We always think about trusting Him but he trust us, you know? Everyone has a story of trust. When their trust was challenged and they questioned God. Whats yours?
I know for two years AnnaBelle needed more than she received in the orphanage. As her momma, I couldn't protect her from that. She didn't have anyone to really trust. There is existing emotional pain and scars from that period of time in which her needs weren't met. Noone came many nights. Oh friend, that thought is more than I can bear! I pray each day the Lord heals the memories and restores every part of her. That His word is true, Psalms says "he never sleeps or slumbers". Which means he has not forgotten nor has he turned an ear to our needs. He will heal her emotions, her pain and her memories. What that end equation looks like? I don't know but that's what trust is. It's what our faith is. Trusting what we cannot see is faith.
Milton and I prayed every single night for AnnaBelle while she waited on us. Asking the Lord to send someone to her that would give her extra care and love. I was hashing out "trust" with The Lord this morning. And here is what he showed me, at AnnaBelles orphanage there was a foundation that came in and loved on the kids. Half the Sky foundation, which I need to find a link and says thanks to. They did a scrapbook with pictures with writing in Mandarin about her and they came once a week and played with her and documented about it. Now this is not a fancy scrapbook, not in a 12x12 acid free album! But its valuable. Its stapled at the spine, simple and Im eternally grateful. Now I don't know much because we can't read Mandarin BUT Milton was stranded overnight in Denver coming home from China. There was a huge snowstorm and he couldn't get home. He met a man stranded in the airport who was from China, he spoke Mandarin. He translated verbally for Milton. And Im hashing out trust? Not trusting God. Well yea kinda. It's hard when we start trying to figure out why life is the way it is when we trust and serve the Lord. Why he doesn't protect children? Why do things happen to kids that never should? Why aren't kids loved and held like they should be? Life is complex. Trust is too. Go there, it's okay. In those places God will show you. He was there.
There was someone to love on AnnaBelle extra each week. We prayed for that person. I wander what her name was?  She needed more than what she received still. But someone did come, maybe not in my form or fashion. There were 100 kids on her floor, someone coming to spend time with her once a week meant something. Oh how I wish I could turn back time and remove the deficits of those two years. But I cannot...Then we finally came. Her momma and daddy!! Tonight making her bottle while she played busily on the kitchen counter by me (was Joys favorite thing to do at the same age) she was saying "dada" bouncing up and down. Sweet. I can see she is trusting us more.  I wanted to play catch today with AnnaBelle so we found a fun light up ball that she loved. At first she wouldn't throw it back for fear it wasn't returning to her. Aka trust. The more we played, the more she smiles, the more fun throwing and catching was! I listened to her play in her room with Milton, alone today. Sweet to hear.  I think he was distracting her from the kitchen because if she sees the oven light on or something steaming on the stove, it's mealtime. When in reality it's not mealtime at THAT very moment!
I feel incompetent in so many areas. I was thinking how a month ago, we were preparing to leave for China. Paying bills, packing, buying over the counter meds, snacks, getting Joy packed....and I was hashing out trust again with the Lord. Trusting Him enough to leave Joy and fly 8,000 miles away at 600mph over the Pacific Ocean for a LONG time. (did I mention Im not adventurous really) And trusting Him to take care of us and this sweet AnnaBelle we were going a million miles to get. "Are we crazy?" my brain would say.."have you lost your mind?" and in my heart I heard the Lord remind me, "I am going with you to China, Keri". Duh- was I thinking I was leaving the Lord home in Texas?  He is so sweet to remind us gently and simply of his presence and abilities. I was never anxious or afraid going to or in China. And when we landed in Beijing China, it was like I had a come to Jesus talk and it went like this- "Keri put on your big girl panties. The Lord has called you to this journey and this child. He has a plan. He has written your story a long time ago..he knows every part of this."  In my heart, I heard a friends words, "Keep your eyes on Jesus"...and in the days of transition and crying and watching AnnaBelles emotions and her pain I remembered those words. It really encouraged me and kept me going. I was confident of our decision and reason for being there. She was worth everything.
It appears to me that if I could ever sit down and read for any length of time I'd be able to navigate through this muddy water of learning about trust and attachment and what it all means from her perspective. But instead Im cleaning up after the cat who overate her cat food (seriously), then making breakfast, cleaning up the eggs AnnaBelle has cleared off her tray, refilling the Dixie cups with dry cereal shortly after breakfast, getting the girls dressed for the day, cleaning up the snacks, changing diapers and helping Joy play at a higher location to prevent disruption,  refereeing the tiff over the strollers, hugging and tickling and clapping as AnnaBelle does something new, encouraging Joy she is the best BIG sister, attempting to wash and dry my own hair and get dressed....and this is just the morning time. Somedays I just brush my teeth and put on a hat. How do people have 5 kids? Super moms I guess. Im not one of them, I dont know how they do it!! Now Im not complaining and I know a new normal is coming and routine but Im saying, Im oridinary. And I am relying on my trusty companion the Holy Spirit as we navigate this unknown land of trust and attachment with a toddler adoption. I see it happening before my eyes each day. I love it! I have also seen the challenges for her learning we are trustworthy. We are constant and not leaving. I tell her alot "momma is here" when she wants to be held 95% of the day. And for two years noone toted her around on their hip! But there is more to know about the logic and the "why"... I love to read and someday I will read again. And maybe take a bath with the door closed?
Thankful to see trust building each day with our sweet girl. Last night she played in her crib for an hour. She took care of her babydoll loaned out by big Sis Joy. Very sweet to watch. A BIG trust moment as the only time she has been in her crib has been with total distress and unable to regroup. Her idea to get in. And today- she fell asleep without tears INSIDE her crib with baby. If I wouldnt wake her- Id take her picture I was so excited! She is laughing and smiling and babbling things we do not understand. Today she said "hey" and "hi" and "hello" often. She tried to say "noodle" yesterday which is what she may turn into. She loves pasta. And tonight we tried green peas. I just thought they were going down. They were only going in and then all came out!! :/ It was worth a try. For now green beans are the only vegetable she will eat.
A few pictures from the trip and our return home...

our wonderful CCAI travel group! (except Milton) 

We made lifetime friends from all over the US. Lovely people we were with. 8 families and 10 kids from our direct group were adopted into forever families. Absolutely valuable. Precious kids.

Beijing and the smog

First Easter!

AnnaBelle playing "baby"

in bed feeding her "baby"

Both my girls!

Joy, the big one & AnnaBelle the little one

sweet smile

My Joy girl.

first family photo on returning home.

AnnaBelle was asleep in ergo. Felt so good to hug Milton.